Discussed so far…
In the previous article , we discussed how it is human nature to value a person and also to expect value from a person. We discussed about what effects it could possibly have on the person who values others. We are yet to discuss the negative consequences that one might face in our life as a part of process of valuing others. If you have mastered the art of valuing others, you certainly do not need to worry. However, in the process of mastering it, you would come to face these situations where you need to handle things well or you might end up disappointed.
3. What happens when you value – Continued ..
The situation doesn’t always turn out the way you expect it to. There are times when the opposite person might not react the way you expect the person to. Everyone has a different nature – One person might like it when you hug them when he/she is sad whereas there might be a person who might prefer to stay away when he/she is sad. The same things don’t work out with all. There is always a possibility that the person you value a lot does not really care for it. Hence, you need to be careful of the value you provide to the person.
I have been through the situation where my care was interpreted incorrectly, where my availability was treated as servile behaviour, where my concern was treated as possessiveness. However, I learned, I analysed the cause and I came over it. Today the same person values me well, the same person enjoys my company, same person cares for me too. Definitely, you would like to know what brought about the change. At my end, what I needed to do was to understand what made the person feel so, what did I express incorrectly, how could I make it better. Talking about my mistakes, I provided a sudden spike of care and concern in her life considering a common notion that people like it when I constantly value them. However, sometimes people like to be alone in their life rather than being in someone’s company. You need to respect the fact. In addition to this, you also need to respect the fact that you cannot be the only person with whom they may feel good. There will always be different people. This doesn’t decrease your value in their life. They will come to you at the correct time. They will come to you for what you are best at. Every human is selfish – Some express it explicitly while some imply it.
Hence, if I were to tell in a nutshell what I wish to convey, I would say
Value the person just in the proportion that the person can enjoy rather than tolerate
In the process of valuing a person, always remember:
You are valued for who you are and not for who you could be
4. How to handle the process?
As a reader, if you have gone through the article, you definitely expect some solution to your problems, the problems you faced in your life when you valued a person. Hereby, I will try to summarise my learning till date hoping that it would help.
Express – Don’t hesitate
A person is deemed to be overwhelmed or freaked out by your care if it does not have a purpose or strong reason. If you feel the need to care for the person, you definitely have a reason. Express it to the person, make them feel comfortable with you by letting them know why they deserve value from your end. In this process, be highly careful with your words – It can break or make your relation. For instance, never tell a person that you care because they need it. Practically do not even care for a person just because you feel they need it – Care for a person if you feel true satisfaction by caring. Sometimes the reason could be that you feel good when your care is acknowledged. However, don’t let the person feel “acknowledgement of care” as a responsibility.
Take hints – Control yourself
Usually any human will react to care in one or the other way. In the initial stage of relation, study the hints carefully. The person gives out hints when he/she is uncomfortable about what you do. These hints help you modify your behaviour smartly. However, never let the person know that he/she is under constant analysis. It might make them feel insecure. It might make them feel uncomfortable or misjudged. Hence, you need to make the process gradual and smooth.
Adapt – Don’t change
There might be situations where the person might say what he/she likes – How he/she would like you to be. However, you should be careful on how to interpret it. Never lose your real factor which makes the person comfortable with you. Probably the person is with you because you are intelligent yet she tells he/she loves stupid people – Don’t act stupid, just don’t be too smart ! The person might like practical people who doesn’t care for emotions – This doesn’t mean your care is a burden, it is a hint to control the emotions associated with the care.
Hereby, I come to the end of this article. It has been quite a journey through my personal memories. At the end, I wish to convey just one thing:
Value the person, not because they are awesome – but because you are amazing !